Friday, March 31, 2006

Cards for Men

I am a man, and let's face, men hate having to send cards. This hatred includes especially Thank-you cards.

"Why this rant?" you ask.

Well, my girlfriend had sent me a box of goodies with a card in it, and I would have felt bad had I not reciprocated. So my quest began: I was going to find a card. So, I marched down to the pharmacy that is trying to take over the world one city block at a time, Walgreens, to try to find an appropriate card for said girlfriend.

I assumed this would be a simple enough task. There were, in fact, four aisles of cards to pick from. So, my search began. It wasn't her birthday, so that ruled out over half the little buggers. She wasn't my mother, brother, or son-in-law. That ruled out about a quarter more. She wasn't graduating...she wasn't recovering from a tragic accident or disemberent involving noodles and puppies (I still don't understand what that sympathy card was referencing) or death (a card complete with a picture of a casket) Sometimes its best not to ask (?!?!).

I thought maybe an Easter card would be the ticket. I didn't want to pay for postage on the 3 foot fluffy bunny card and yellow chicks are just not my thing. And nothing says happy easter to your girlfriend like grotesque depictions of crucifixions. Just say no to the Resurrection I suppose.

There were a few lovey dovey cards, but nothing that I was comfortable with. And the card of Elmo kissing some other fuzzily amorphous Sesame Street character made me want to hurl. It didn't help matters any that six-foot-something men looking at greeting cards always get the evil eye from either the stockboy or young mothers with children. I guess they don't want their kids influenced by sinister looking hooligans looking at 3-foot bunny cards.

They did have some all-purpose, blank cards with little red houses or flowers. It would be great for Granny, but girlfriends...eh, not so much. Besides they only came in packs of 6, and what was I going to do with the other 5?

I finally gave up, went home, and wrote her a letter. I added some nice cartoon work, so maybe that will add some personal touches. But why can't they make cards for men? A think a card the shape of a beer mug would sell, as would cards with an essence of scratch-and-sniff steak n' taters.

Now there's a way to a man's heart...

6 comments:

Stephen Newell said...

This post, without a doubt, belongs among your best posts of all time. I'm still chuckling to myself an hour later.

How come we never heard of this Miss Archer Sweetie? I'm going to strangle Nick if he already knew.

Northland Al said...

I concur with Stephen. Very good and very true. Now I suppose you could ask someone working at the store where to find a certain card but I no I never ask for help or directions.

The Archer of the Forest said...

I haven't actually talked to Nick in a while. I guess he's adjusting to wedded bliss...

Wozzeck33 said...

I'm guessing she doesn't read your blog!

Sandy said...

WOW! Ryan has a girlfriend! No, Nick and I did not know this until now, April 13th. Well, Nick doesnt know yet, but he will in the morning. :) I cant wait to see the look on his face!

Sandy said...

Tell us more about this new "Miss Archer Sweetie", as Steve calls her.