Cannibalizing Old Shoes

I have a confession: I hate nylon shoe laces. You can't buy tennis shoes anymore without getting them with nylon shoe laces. They don't stay tied unless you quadruple knot them. And the ones that come with the shoes are always too long. (My only guess is that I am not tying them correctly, and must in fact octuple knot them.). They're pieces of nylon rope.

Well, at least men can't find real shoe laces. I dare not venture into the crazy world of women shoery. (Pumps? Stiletto Heels? Platform boots? Oh, the Humanity!)

I'll let you in on one of the great secrets of the universe: men don't shop. We know what we want, we go in, we buy. You'd think the powers that be would have a basic understanding of economics or marketing and be willing to cater to us Cro Magnon shoe buyers:

Me Want Shoe. Me Want Cotton Laces. You have shoe with cotton laces. Me Buy.

Simple, no? But alas, go into any shoe store or retail outlet that sells shoes and ask for cotton shoe laces. I recently got fed up with my nylon strings of Satan, and went to several stores asking for cotton shoe laces. From the looks I was getting, you would have thought I had walked in and asked if they sold bomb grade uranium laced with bird flu and anthrax. My journey was epic, so I felt I must chronicle it with a poem:

"Accept No Substitute"

-The Archer of the Forest

I do not like the nylon blend.
The right to cotton I must defend.

I want not laces that glow in the dark.
I only want laces to go to the park.

No, not laces 500 feet long.
Must thou gaze at me like I am often wrong?

I know they might break if I pull them too tight.
But they usually won't if you tie them just right.

Forced my fingers were to do the walking,
in search of a Pawn shop I was stalking.

So here I now sit: a cannibal of shoes.
But nylon laces I no longer schmooze.

I do not like the nylon blend.
The right to cotton I must defend.