Monday, November 22, 2004

Hohoho! Merry Thanksgivoweenmas!

I need to rant a bit on the state of holiday affairs in this country. Let me get it out of my system, and I won't speak of it again.

Surgeon General's Warning: The Following Contains appreciable quanties of Sarcasm. Not recommended for women who are pregnant, nursing, or anyone with heart problems.

It seems to me, and I am not that old folks, though granted I may act like it sometimes, but when I was a kid, if you put a Christmas tree up before were a weirdo. Now, people who put Christmas trees up after Thanksgiving are weirdos...and if you actually wait until Christmas eve, man, you are fringe-killjoy-Scrooge-lunatic.
I was in Walgreens right before (keyword here) Halloween stockpiling my WMDs (wads of marshmallow desserts, i.e. Halloween peeps) and the stockboy was putting up the real fake Christmas trees. I asked in my sardonic way if he was going to decorate it with a halloween theme, to which he replied, "Uh, I'd have to ask the manager, but that's a good idea!" Obviously this boy earned every penny of his minimum wage.
The point I am attempting to make is frankly, I find the American propensity for Holidays truly amazing. Not only is 4 gluttonous holidays in the span of 2 months not enough, we can't even finish one before beginning another. Christmas Trees go up next to Frankenstein masks, Turkeys are packaged in red pseudo-santa velvet wrapping before Thanksgiving.
I propose we drop all three holidays and simply take off the entire last two months of year to satisfy our need for gluttonous orgies.
We can call it Thanksgivoweenmas! It will be huge! Santas dressed up as Satan! Trick or Treating all month for Christmas Goodies! A Thanksgivoweenmas tree decked in orange and black with snow flakes, reindeer, turkeys and the Wolfman. Nothing says Thanksgivoweenmas like a stocking full of candy corn and rubber spiders. Think of it, a cornucopia of pumpkins, Rudolph, and severed rubber hands! The infant Jesus with a Chucky mask chasing a turkey with a butcher knife...Glorious! And who is that coming down the chimney, Santa or Dracula? Perhaps Santcula?!?!
We can even redo all the songs...Oh little haunted house of Bethlehem! Silent Night, Gluttonous Night! And who can forget the classic, All I want for Thanksgivoweenmas is my two front teeth! (because the candy has rotted them out and you can use the new ones for great Thankgivoweenmas scary pranks...and for your convenience, fake blood is included!)
And the good news is, after the New Year's drunken debauchery...its only another 10 months until we can do it all again. Maybe next year we can extend it to Labor Day!
So...Ho Ho Ho, Happy Thanksgivoweenmas everyone!


Anonymous said...

From The Deaf Baptist:

I love this rant. I am adopting it as my official theological position on the fall season. Don't we have enough to do with the onset of football and the beginning of the National Association? Let's compress everything into one holiday and have at it.

The Archer of the Forest said...

Well, welcome, roommate of furby! Please stop by and reply to a rant anytime you like. All are welcome!