Monday, December 05, 2005

Christmas Gift ideas for Tacky Christians

Anglican General's Warning...the following contains gross amounts of satire inappropriate for any audiences. The Archer's views are his own and reflect heinously upon the management. Viewer discretion is advised.

Sometimes it's difficult to decide what to buy this gluttony season for those Christians who have no taste or religious self respect. Fear not...The Archer has some suggestions.

1. For those Christians you know who are wrapped up in the national TV poker craze, Faith based poker chips. Nothing says Christ's love like giving the poor this season a poker chip that reads "Jesus went All In for you." Hey, don't gamble on eternity.

2. Want some Christ centered bling-bling? The Archer has that covered too with the Jesus Christ mood cross. Much like a mood ring, when your body heat shows you aren't acting saintly, Jesus appears on the cross and you can repent, you back-slider you!

3. Christianize your pagan iPod with the iBelieve cross cap. It's an iPod, it's jewelry! You can look like a Christian while you are listening to your illegally pirated mp3s of Christian rock bands instead of making such bands richer due to commercial exploitation of grace.

4. Worried about burning your gluttonous Christmas turkey? Get rid of your unholy egg timer with the holy family Nativity version! For surely The Most Blessed, Holy Mother never burned the dinner rolls!

5. An oldie but a goodie, for those whose Christmas might be the last as part of the Anglican communion, there's the Rowan Bear. Many are already waiting to hear the Rowan bear's views on same-bear relationships.

6. For those Christians afraid that Jesus is a sissy, we recommend the Jesus inspirational sports statues. Because Jesus would sack the quarterback.

7. For the health conscious, bible literalist, the Archer recommends the Bible Bar. "Highly nutritious, all natural whole food bar based on the seven foods which the LORD calls "good" in the Book of Deuteronomy." A great stocking stuffer!

8. And last but not least, don't let the Smiths down the street win the neighborhood tacky Christmas light contest! The Archer assures you extra visitors will come to gawk at your holiday waste-of-electricity fest by putting up a patented Jesus Being Flogged lightshow! Maybe the Spirit will lead Mel Gibson to drive by and he will be inspired to film a prequel: The Nativity of the Christ.

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