Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Oooh! Aaah!...a Newspaper!

I have my days where I am firmly convinced I was born 50 or so years too late. Today was one of those days...

I had walked down to the CVS pharmacy to get some things (not greeting cards). I usually pop into this particular pharmacy because its within walking distance and they usually (apparently until now) have RC Cola in the refrigerated section. This happens to be the only place around here I can find RC cold. I asked about it and was told they are not stocking it anymore. I refused to pay $1.50 for a bottle of Pepsi One or Lemon Dr. Pepper ("truly an abomination," says the Lord).

I paid for my other items and left. I had some change so I bought a Chicago Tribune. What possessed me to do what follows, I will never know. I gave up coffee for Lent, and thought, what the hey, I'll stop at a coffee shop for a cup of joe and read my newspaper. That was probably my first mistake because I truly detest coffee shops. I am convinced that coffee shops are places people go to feel trendy and snootily intellectual, which I always find ironically amusing because intelligent people would not be paying $5 for a cup of coffee.

In any event, I asked for just a plain cup of coffee. You know, just plain. No crappacino, no fru-fru flavors, no latte, just a plain cup of coffee. That's right, the black stuff. From the look on the cashier's face, you would have thought I had asked for roasted puppy. And no, I don't want to "supersize it." (?!?!?!)

I finally got that notion through the guy's head after haggling to find his brain cells. I had my cup of black coffee and sat down to read my newspaper. I knew almost immediately from the weird looks I was getting from the 5 people with sleek laptops and cellphone earpieces that that event was probably my second mistake. They were apparently the Borg, and resistance was futile. But I carried on in my blue collar naivete.

The guy who was sitting next to me, whom I will refer to only as "Dude," found a second to break away from his 15000 IM chat boxes and various other worthless multitasking. The following hilarity ensued:

Dude: "Dude, that's like...a real newspaper."
Me: "Yes, indeed."
Dude: "I haven't seen anyone read a newspaper in here in ages."
Me: "Well, they still print them."
Dude: "I just get all my news off the internet."
Me: "Yeah, I read stuff on the internet too, but there's nothing like a real newspaper."
Dude: "How so?"
Me: "Studies show that people retain more information when they actually read something they can hold in their hands like a book or newspaper."
Dude: "Dude, no way! I can tell you anything you want to know about the news from what I read on the internet."
Me: "Alright, who resigned from the White House this morning?"
Dude: "uh...Al Gore?"
Me: "What ex-governor of Illinois was just convicted?"
Dude: "Dude, that's like adult stuff, I mean real news. Everything on the internet is free, though, and you don't kill trees."
Me: "So you spent $2000 on a computer you will toss in two years so you can get free news...I guess you get what you pay for."
Dude: "I don't even read news that often."
Me: "Somehow I figured that."

And they wonder where ADHD comes from?


Wozzeck33 said...

Loved the verbatim... keep up the good work.

The Archer of the Forest said...

Ah...the things you learn in CPE

Stephen Newell said...

You've just topped yourself. I'm in pain right now from trying to keep from waking up the rest of the dorm - I just got home from work at UPS.

And you're right--newspapers rule.

Ryan said...

I, too, have often recieved the "roasted puppy" look when ordering a black coffee at a trendy coffee shop. It's frustrating. I also want a regular sized one. Not a tall. Not a grande. Not a venite (or whatever they call that huge, cooler sized one...)