Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Blog Entry where the Archer goes off about blue jeans

I have been desperately trying to find some blue jeans that actually fit my body. I was down to one functional pair that looked halfway descent. All other pairs have disintegrated except the one other pair that has paint all over them and are only good for yard work or to scare off house guests who have overstayed a welcome. (Although I must say, that pair complements my fuzzy Uncle Buck hat nicely.)

I have never understood the perverse world of women's clothing sizes. I sort of understand the overall general sizing scheme, like one person wearing a size 6 or another wearing a Size 2. Proportionality makes a little sense, as that would seem somewhat logical to have a system where the larger the woman corresponds to the larger the clothing size. Who and/or what dictates what makes up a size 6 is a mystery, but, for sake of this article, I will assume it is not "The Man" nor some other conspiratorial masonic legion of doom trying to take over the world by controlling the women's sizing concession.

But, then there is this whole other number scheme that as far as I can tell resembles either a padlock combination or a quarterback calling out play numbers: 16-32-54-Hike! I know I have women readers, but don't try to explain this to me. I have tried to understand the system, but it is hopeless. Many have tried; all have failed. My wife can't even do it, so its best to just let me chalk it up to mystery.

I have also known for years that women's fashion has been into this "low rise" cut blue jean schtick. I have never really understood this, but heretofore it has never really concerned me. Women wear their clothes is ways that befoozle me, which is fine. They can wear whatever they want. Those "low rise" cuts have never looked particularly comfortable or attractive to me, but as was St. Anselm's motto about things theological, "Faith seeking understanding," I don't understand, so I just have faith in the mystery. At the get eschatological banquet at the end of the world, perhaps God can explain it to me.

But I have to draw the line when this "low rise" trend extends to men's blue jeans. As I stated in my opening rant, I have been unable to find blue jeans that fit my body because of this trend that has leaked over into the men's section. I am not sure if this move in men's wear is due to the "low rise" trend in women's wear or the trend from gangster thugs who like wearing their pants down at their knees. Call me a bigot, but I don't want women, gay men, or gangsters exclusively dictating blue jean fashion.

I'm not fat nor weirdly shaped, so I do not understand why normal department stores can no longer make normal men's blue jeans. I understand grunge, low rise jeans are all the rage, and if people want to wear them that way, that is fine with me. I'm not all that picky, but I have to draw the line when I can't find any pair in any major department store that actually fit the body the way they are suppose to. Call me crazy, but God gave us waists and I think we should use them as such. I just don't want to buy new blue jeans that look like they were wadded up in a gutter somewhere before being put on the department store self, and I don't want blue jeans where half my butt hangs out. If I desperately feel the need to moon you, I will be up front about it (or down back as the case may be).

I went to all the major department stores in town (Target's, Kohl's, etc.) and not a one of them had a single pair of pants that actually fit correctly. The waist and inseam were fine, assuming you wanted to wear them half way down your derriere. I thought I was just going to have to start wearing cargo pants.

Typical for myself, I decided to fight the system and not sell out. I just was not going to pay 30 bucks for blue jeans that did not fit. My wife had the brilliant idea of suggesting the Western Wear Redneck Cowboy store across the way. I was dubious about going to a place that sold cowboy hats and boots by the bulk.

Apparently the store clerk could tell the minute I walked it and made a B-line right to the jeans section that I was another one fed up by the normal-fitting blue jean famine that seems to have befallen America. As I was trying on jeans, he came up to my wife and asked if that was, in fact, the case. My wife saidthat it was. To which he apparently replied, "Welp, ain't no plumber's crack pants here."

Chalk one up for the Good 'Ole Boys. I bought 2 pairs.


Jane Ellen+ said...

If there's one near you, try looking at Costco. My husband bought his last couple pair of jeans there, and seems quite satisfied at their lack of plumber's butt-ness.

And we will save the women's sizing explanations for the eschaton. (^_^)

Stephen Newell said...

Dude, that is awesome. I heartily concur!

I actually get my jeans from Target these days, they're the only place I've found anything that is comfortable without any of your aforementioned qualities. I buy the Wrangler jeans they sell. After hearing this story, I may just have to find one of those cowboy stores next time I need jeans.

I used to be a die-hard Levi's guy (only thing I wore for years), but you can't find a comfortable Levi's jean anymore unless you go loose fit.

We're turning into a bunch of girls here, aren't we, grousing about pants. ;-)