Religious conversion and marriage dynamics

I had a question posed to a social media group that I would like to respond to:

"I’m coming from a non-denomination Christian background but have been feeling drawn to the Catholic Faith for a couple of years now. The catch is my wife is very much against becoming Catholic and struggles to have conversations about it. It’s very difficult to feel such a strong pull to this path but having so much opposition to the direction. I am curious if there’s someone who’s experienced a similar situation in their conversion journey and what advice you might have for someone in my position.

God bless all of you!"

 

 

When I was doing pre-marital counseling, there were four general areas that I would sort of probe to see if the couple were on the same page on or not. Those areas were: Money (what's its purpose/how do we manage it/spending habits, etc), Kids (how many do we envision, parenting styles, etc), In-laws (how do we navigation conflict with in-laws, where do we spend Christmas, etc), and Religion. Statistically speaking, a couple that is generally on the same page on those four categories have the highest statistical probability of still being married after 15 to 20 years. There are other categories of course, but those where the Big 4 areas I would start with in terms of conversation with a pre-marital couple for them to work through. 

 

Now, saying that, after some years of being married, one of the spouses is feeling called to some sort of religious conversion, that can really destabilize a marriage if you are not careful, just like if one spouse suddenly started spending money out the wazoo or suddenly decides they don't want kids when previously they had been on board with the idea or issues like that that have real-world/real-time consequences. 

 

Not to turn this into a post on psychology, but any family system generally tends to be very homeostatic, in other words very resistant you change. You see this, for example, in families with an alcoholic all the time. Dad's been a drunk for years and suddenly goes sober. Everyone on the surface is happy, but it changes the power dynamic. For example, when Dad used to get home from work, he's start popping cold ones and generally be passed out on the sofa by dinner time. Suddenly he's sober and gets home and starts poking around in the kitchen while Mom is trying to make dinner and wrangle the kids. She gets exasperated and says why don't you go sit down in your chair. Ok, fine. But when did Dad always do in his chair at this time? He goes and finds a beer. And then before you know it, Dad's off the wagon. Mom was not intentionally trying to get Dad to start drinking again, but it's always easier to fall back into a known system, even if it was a dysfunctional system, because the known is always more comfortable even if unhealthy than the unknown. 

 

That's not to say that religious conversion is like being an alcoholic family, but the one similarity is that the family system is suddenly thrown into the unknown. What does it mean that Dad is suddenly going to be Catholic? Family systems don't like things that make the system anxious, and everyone in the system will try hard, if unconsciously, to go back to the way things were because everyone understands that system. It may be better in the end if everyone becomes Catholic, but there is a lot of unknowns about what that new system looks like. 

 

The unknown is always scarier than the known. You see that in scary films all the time. Once the evil entity or villian who was in the shadows in the film suddenly appears, it is often not nearly as scary anymore. It may more horrifying, but at least you know what you are facing at that point in the movie. The ghost in the shadows just off screen is scarier than the actual monster on the screen.

Even if both spouses are onboard with converting, there is still anxiety in the system. If one of the spouses is not onboard with converting, there is 10 times as much anxiety threatening the known system because there is also potential conflict that previously was not there on top of the unknown. So, conversion in a marriage where only one spouse is on that path is just in terms of general sociological statistics is not an easy path to follow. 

 

So, my advice is threefold. Firstly, you really need when discussing these issues to try and de-escalate that built-in knee-jerk anxiety being inserted by the family system that is programmed to unconsciously defend the status quo because that's how systems work. At least be careful not to escalate discussions that are already on the brink of being interpreted by your spouse as potentially adversarial threats to the system. 

 

Secondly, you need to be mindful and open with your spouse that you potentially converting is not a threat to her. I opened this with my take on the 4 big things that people generally need to be on the same page with in terms of statistics when they get married. People do grow and change their opinions on things as they age. Just because someone shifts directions on their thinking on one of those issues does not necessarily mean that it is a deal breaker to the marriage or a threat to the spouse.

 

For example, two people getting married may well have been ok with living paycheck to paycheck without budgets and not saving when they get married, but at some point one of them realizes that's not the best idea. That is healthy to change in that marriage system, but the spouse who wants to start having a budget and saving for retirement and all that can't just one day come in, guns blazing, and say, we're totally changing our financial philosophy overnight and you (the spouse) just live with it. Good luck with that, as they say. The better plan is to always in as non-confrontational a manner as possible sit down and say, "Hey, I know we've been doing X since we got married, but I think there is a better way. Here's why I think that..." and be open to the conversation and make sure your spouse's concerns get a fair hearing. Even if you both have to agree to disagree, you can both come to some sort of agreement on how to move forward without blowing up the marriage. You may need to have outside help to have that conversation. That's okay. But you do need to be reasonable and even keeled, and try hard to make sure your spouse is not taking this personally or that this is an adversarial decision.

 

Finally, don't despair. If this is what God is calling you to, then God will find a way. There are plenty of people that have had to tread this path before. It's not necessarily easy, but as we believe, God will provide.