Easter when you failed Lent...

I have been out of sorts lately. I do not know how to describe where I have been mentally and spiritually the last few months. It's not a "dark night of the soul" kind of thing or anything like that. It's not some sort of spiritual oppression or demonic attack. (At least, I don't think it is.) It has been what I can only describe as a Jimmy Carter-style spiritual malaise. I just feel like I just don't really want anything to do with worship or things religious.  

It is not like I am opposed to them or am angry about anything specifically that I know of. It is feels like when someone says, "Hey, let's go out to eat fast food and some hamburgers..." It's not that you are not hungry , or even opposed to going out to get some sort of fast food, but and you don't know what you want exactly, but all you do know is that you just don't want a hamburger. That is the way I have been feeling about Lent this year: i was hungry for something, but not for the regular Lenten burger (or fish sandwich as the case may be.)

Lent this year just seemed to be empty for me. I gave up some stuff and generally tried to be engaged, but it was just a slog. Nothing I did seemed to do anything to get me past the malaise. It was like I was just going through the motions. I didn't even attend the Good Friday liturgy. I went to Maundy Thursday, and, frankly, did not get much out of it. I generally like the Holy Thursday liturgy, particularly the stripping of the altar, I just largely sat through it, and my mind was largely on other things.   

I am not even certain why I am writing this blog entry or what my point actually is. I just felt like I failed Lent. This was not because I messed up my Lenten fast or anything. I kept at it all that successfully, but for whatever reason, I just wanted nothing to do with Lent or Holy Week. I have no idea why or what this spiritual funk is about. 

The only direct analogy I can make is that sometimes you are just not in the Christmas spirit when the Christmas decorations seem to be everywhere you turn. In America, that's quite common, as stores start putting up Christmas stuff months in advance. By the time Christmas rolls around, you are sick of seeing elves and Santa and reindeer, and if you hear "Grandma got ran over by a reindeer" one more time, you simply say, "Good!" 

That's how I have felt about Lent this year.  If I saw one more fish sandwich or heard one more hymn in some creepy minor key, I was about to scream. I was just not in the Lenten mood, if that's a thing. I did not want to bewail my manifold sins and wickedness. I didn't want to fast. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I didn't want nuttin!

Easter came and went. My parish's Easter vigil was remarkable, as we had more people being baptized or confirmed on Easter than the parish has had in many years. That was great, and yet here sat I, wanting none of it. I do not know why. That's just how I felt. 

I guess, suffice is to say if you are like me and felt like you failed Lent this year, you are not alone. Sometimes God just doesn't speak to you, and you just have to wait out the quiet times.